Just one thing to say to someone that thinks he is a NINJA ....... I am pretty sure that nijas do not give wet willies. So give up the thought, you are not a ninja, you are not a rock n roll star, and you are not a cowboy. You work for "the man" and that is all there is too it. Give up the dream.
Hang with me this might be long but totally worth it!
Today I had orientation for graduate school. I have been all nervous about this for awhile now. I am moving to Atlanta in a month and i do not know anyone there. The department I got into only took 15 people, so I knew it was crucial that I liked the people. It turns out I was worrying about the wrong thing this entire time. I needed to spend less time worrying about the people and more time finding out where the school was. So I think everyone in the country knows that the traffic in Atlanta is terrible ESPECIALLY at 6:00p.m.. I factored this in and i left at 4, thinking "hey no prob". well I stopped a few places and still had am extra half hour of bumper time.
So, i get to Atlanta and I am sitting in traffic thinking "oh this is cool, I have PLENTY of time". This is right before I look down at the directions the University has given me. I look and look up at the exit sign then look back and think "oh no if I am at exit 248 how do I get to exit 91". Yea thats right, I am going to graduate school at a school that forgot to change the exit numbers 4 years ago when they changed. So I think maybe i will see the name of the road. NO! I get through down town and then can not find a good exit to get off at. Finally, get to one and turn around knowing that Southbound traffic is much worse than Northbound. I look down at the clock and it is 6:00, the very same time that I am supposed to be in a nice air conditioned building find out about my new cool life. Well traffic sucks and i am getting upset.
Now I have this thing (thanks dad) where in some situations, it is ABSOLUTELY neccessary that I scream, yell and throw things. There are only two people on the Earth that knows this about me first hand, and that is only becuase i can control it. But ,Melanie and Justin can handle it and they know what to do when it happens and I know that things work out for the better when I do this. This little 'work everything out' trick only works when someone else is there, or even on the phone. I guess it can get scary (says justin) and sometimes it is funny (says melanie) but they both know better to get scared or laugh. Well, I had no one in the car with me to do this and the rules says someone has to be there for this to help. So i am sitting on I85 in rush hour not knowing where to go and i am 15 minutes late at this point. So I do the next logical thing. I start talking to myself. A lot. with hand motions. out loud. This is about the point where so guy sitting next to my in the stopped traffic honks his horn so that he can make sure I see that he is laughing at me. Instead of saying "thanks for letting me know" and giving that stupid ass GA wave everyone does, I yelled out my window into his open window, "YES I AM TALKING TO MYSELF". What you don't think about at times like these is that in rush hour the person next to you, will be next to you for awhile. So he continues to laugh and i continue to sit there and say "It is ok marci, there is nothing you can do about this" and the occasional "Shut the hell up nasty man".
So I am still so lost and have no clue where to go. I get off at an exit i know pretty well due to the amount of concerts I have been to down there. I know that there is a BP gas station and i can stop there for directions. So I pull in still talking to myself and there are a lot of people there. It is now 6:30, and i just park my car anywhere. I didn't seemed to concearned with the fact that there were 4 big orange signs that said "NO PARKING" in front of my car. Well there is a guy delivering beer outside. I think "hey my kind of man, i bet he can help me" . Well he was an idiot. So i see 3 cop cars parked there and think, "this is too perfect" I ran into the gas station waving a map in the air and ran to the cops and said "I need you all to help me find the school". Well it turns out i was shaking really bad and the one cop felt bad for me and said "i am headed that way, get on my bumper and don't loose me", I asked if that would be easy to do in rush hour traffic and another cop piped in and said "Sweetheart do you see this badge, and the lights on that car, Well WE will get you there" .
This is the point where I thought I was going to be sick, I knew what was coming. He told me he would follow me if i followed the other cop. Well i had no time to argue so we walked out the door. Both cops were laughing at me and i did not think i was being funny but i do think i never shut up, and the words "BOMB DIGGITY" might have come out of my mouth. So the cops want to know which car was mine and i looked at them and almost startig crying and said "OH NO, you aren't goig to want to help me when you find out that is me illegally parked!" The laughter continued and they told me it was ok that the laws did not apply to me because I was late. (HELL YEA THAT"S COOL) and they were going to get me where i needed to go as fast as possible. When cops say this, BELIEVE THEM. so i pulled out after one of them and then the other pulled out after me and they found it utterly neccessary to turn on their lights. (how cool to have power) Well here I am the only car in the funeral procession going down the wrong way on one ways. So this is the point where I am no longer talking to myself, I am know laughing my ass off. I mean really pounding the steering wheel and almost vomiting i am laughing so hard. This really is just one of those "ONLY YOU" situations. Well we pull into the area i need to be and the cops were STILL laughing at me. I think they were secretly making fun of me on the radio the whole time, but that is ok they were the bomb diggity :). So i am there and everything is ok right? NO
i pull into the parking area and i can not figure it out. I swear I am not a dumb person, however, I really liked the ancient civilization where you actually got to talk to people instead of machines. The cop, I guess knowing i would have a problem with this too, never pulled away and saw me standing there itching my head. No really, like winnie the pooh trying to get the hiney pot. So he pulled in and explained that i had a number and had to go to a machine and blah blah blah. I just kept saying "thank you" and i might have said something about hanging out with them at BP in a month. Who knows. Well I am there and i had forgotten all about how nervous i was. This all comes back to me right about now. I have to walk into a room of people i don't know 45 minutes late. I HATE BEING LATE. It is one of my biggest pet peeves and now here i am.
So i go in an push the button one the elevator and i don't hear anything. So when I was little my mom was claustrophobic and we always had to take the stairs. I remeber back when we would have to go to the 30th floor in downtown Tampa and think "Hell, I can do 9 flights of stairs no problem". So i start walking, fast. so i get to the room. I am out of breath, I am sweating, I have one sweaty armpit on overload, i am 45 minutes late, and i look awful. So i walk in and the woman in the front says "you missed a bit".
OK HERE IT IS.... as if the first impression was not good enough so far i say "yea i got lost and had a police escort" THEN I SAT DOWN. it was like everything i said made sense. WHAT THE HELL, MARCI THINK SOMETIMES!.... all i hae to say is "Karma we are SO even"
So there are 7 people there and they all look a little nervous at the fact that I am psycotic. I sit down and try to control my breathing. Now I have the chance to look around at the group and i see 2 older balck women, one girl my age that had gease dripping out of her hair, and 3 moms (one of which who was nice enough to bring her child), and (drum roll) MY NEW CRUSH.
After it was over, my new crush and i walked to the elevator together and had idle chit chat. As we were getting to the first floor I said "I guess I will be seeing a bit of you" and he say "definately". Oh that is right i think he is love with me. Yep I totally have a boyfriend. We will get married and have 2.5 dogs.
So i get in my car and all teh nervous energy releases and I think, "why has no one bugged my car, do they not realize the pure entertainment value of me riding in the car by myself?". So i decide i need good music to dance to on my way home. Well the only way to get this accomplished with a broken tape player is to yell really loud at teh radio "HEY MR. RADIO, WHY WOUN'T YOU PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC" this is the point where George Michael starts cranking out some faith adn i continued home as if i had had the most normal day.
Is it bad that my day has consisted only of sitting on the couch and eating a WHOLE box of mac and cheese?
Occasionally I get in these moods where I need to talk. I mean, non stop... 500 mile an hour talk..... I don't need anyone there for these moments but on the rare occasion I actually do have someone aound when I am in this mood. Well tonight I got in this mood and it was actually painfull for me to leave lulls in conversation in order to give someone else a chance to talk (that is right, I am considerate). Whenever a self made lull hit, no one would talk (probably because they were so freaked out that i had not stopped to breath for 30 minutes) and I thik that sucks. So I talked more.
I might have gotten on some people's nerves, but oh well, everyone has been on mine lately.
IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN!
Last night I had a dream that Clark Kent came in my apartment and sat down on my couch. I thought nothing weird of this, becuase lately it seems everybody does this. Well Clark and I were having a good time and then in front of 3 other people, I said "Hey I know who you are, I can see your unitard under your shirt". Well, Clark got all mad at me for calling him out and stormed away. And when i say stormed, I mean ran away REAL fast like he does to chloe all the time on Smallville. So I woke up this morning feeling all bad that I had one chance to be friends with Clark and I ruined it. But he really shouldn't wear white shirts over his bright blue unitard.
Side note: It would be wise to think about it before you open your mouth to a friend and say "Wow, you have club feet and i mean CAPTAIN CAVE MAN club feet"
An unjust world.....
So last night i am watching my new favorite show, Anything For Love, where people miserable embarress themselves while getting rejected on national tv. At the end of the show they announced they were going to suprise some one in the audience. Oh How the suspense built. Well, they pull this woman out of her seat and it was this chunky woman wearing, what I thought to be stoned washed black jeans. After a minute a friend and I decided that maybe she had had a bleaching accident. However, after the 5 minutes she was there we figured out that she in fact had on a pair of tight suede pants that formed a bit too closely to her chuncky self. (When will people learn to dress decent if you are going to a studio audience?) Well a guy comes out and tells her how he has been in love with her for 11 yeas and she tells him "no i am sorry I am in love with someone else". How is it that this woman had 2 (TWO) men and I have none? Things just do not seem ok.
And also, to the man that had to cut his bike in half for a girl, she is a bitch. Give me a call :)
What age is too old to walk the mile and the half home from the pub topless?
I love my friend brad because when i say I am 10 he says "stop being modest marcie, you are a 14"
I feel better about the whole "Boy" thing after talking to my friend (we will call her) Tina. She was to be set up with a boy and was taken out to his place of employment tonight for an initial meeting. She walked in shaking so bad and had to walk out and come back and then the only thing she could say to him was:
"There are holes in the back of my jeans and I didn't put on a bra"
Meanwhile, she had chinese handcuffs no her fingers the whole time to avoid fidgiting.
I think anyone nervous about meeting someone could use Tina as the "It could be worse" senerio.
I know the economy sucks and blah blah blah, but company benefits have suffered and this week i think it has hit an all time low. I don't know whose sick joke it was to put construction paper in the paper towel dispenser at work, but it is really not funny that i have to walk out with wet hands every single time.
Also, I need everyones help. I am beig suckered into seeing the J2K movie tomorrow, yes that is right for those of us who are a little less than hip, The Justin and Kelly movie. Well I heard the movie review on this this morning and just as i thought, it got a big fat ttthhhhwwww. See the dilema is that i want to see Finding Nemo really bad and i think that if i get enough comments on the matter i could use it as leverage. can you all help me out?
ok so "The Boy" called last night at 2:30 in the morning and informed me that he just got back from Mexico. So this explains why I have not heard from him in 6 MONTHS. I am a little startled in the middle of the night and it takes me a minute to get my thoughts together having just come out of a deep slumber. So he says "I just got back 4 hours ago and i saw that you called 20 times so I am sorry to call in the middle of the night but I wanted to tell you I was back" so my reply to this was "yea I figured if you were not answering my call i could at least annoy the hell out of you"
WHAT! Now it appears that I have been referencing "Go Psycho: an Introductory for Females". I didn't think i even had this book. And really it had become a huge game for me. It was like I knew there would be no answer so i called biweekly for my biweekly dose of rejection. With an ego like mine it was keeping me balanced. Now I don't know what I am going to do. It just isn't the same getting turned down by some redneck with no teeth, and really what are the chances of getting rejected in that situation.
Well at least i am not like some girls i know i.e. (We will call her KB) some of you know who i am talking about. KB once called me from a guys dorm room, this being a guy that she never even dated. Well, she calls and she is whispering and tells me she is in his room and she is looking around and checking his answering machine. How did she get in you ask, Oh she climbed through an unlocked window. When she didn't like what she found she went out to the parking lot, got in her car, and proceeded to ram it into his.
See so in the big picture I think this one minor slip up is ok.
The amazing race is on tonight and i am a bit excited. I am secretly hoping they remove the "Virgins" from Millie and Chucks "Dating 12 years/Virgins" desscription. I guess it is better than expoiting the situation by saying "dating 12 years/midget trainers"
the number one reason I have a cool boss:
I get to work this morning and have one lonely email from him and i am thinking it is something that needs to be done so i proceed to open it and it is an article that is keeping me informed. It reads:
"The first annual U.S. Air Guitar Championships in Los Angeles will pit the best of the West against the air beast of the East on June 28. On the line is a trip to Finland to compete in the World Air Guitar Championships Aug. 29.
I’ve been practicing my whole life,” said David Jung (aka C-Diddy"), from Brooklyn, N.Y., We were all attracted by the sheer idiocy of the thing,” he said. Air guitar is the classic pursuit for the average 25-year-old who doesn't really know what he's doing with his life but feels there has to be more to life than the office.”"
If you can top my boss story feel free to try!
Yesterday's scare turned out to be nothing more than an antibiotic fix. Good thing too because I was starting to believe that I had Monkey Pox. But I am fine.... The nice nurse even gave me a Seseame Steet Band-Aid. I think that is really what made me feel better.So i guess the funeral is off.
I am not trying to alarm anyone, just trying to keep you informed. I have been bitten by a black widow spider, undr my thumb nail no less. I am posting this just to get you all prepared for the funeral that might happen in a few days. Yes, it is true, I think I am going to loose the thumb. I know this because last night I was awake watching the minutes on the clock go by from 12:32 til 5:02. This is because my thumb was twice its normal size and the throbbing went up my entire arm.
You all laughed last year when I thought I had West Nile and a few months ago when I thought I had SARS, but this is for real. There is no other explaination. So I want everyone to stay informed becuase if my thumb falls off today I would like the funeral to be a big turn out, I think it is only right, he was a good friend to me. I am hoping it will be a lovely service where melanie will sing amazing grace to my musical rendition on the kazoo.
I know what you are saying, "What kind of gift do I bring to a thumb funeral?". Well I have made it easy for you. Anything on my wish list is more than appropriate. I have even updated it to include a childrens classic "Where is Thumbkin?".
I will keep everyone posted on the events of today, wish me the best of luck, but do it nicely, I have had no sleep and it is possible this will affect my attitude, besides I think i am about to loose a great friend.
So most people know that i fear my landlord, well I just got a new apartment and they apparently called my landlord for reference. Well it turns out that she gave me the best reference of all. HOLY MOLEY, people will surprise you sometimes. Now i feel silly for letting my bathroom flood from a leaky toilet for the past year, simply because i was afraid to call her. don't i feel dumb!
when you are 90 years old and go on family feud PLEASE, oh pleae, do not answer the question "Things you operate with a coin" with the answer "a Bed". That is just gross.
APARTMENT HUNTING DO'S AND DON'TS
1. Take a friend that is addicted to the Scan button on your radio. This will get annoying at times, however without this friend you will never know that it is childens hour on public radio. With this knowledge you have all you need to get through the traffic jam on I-85 when the traffic goes down to one lane. Also, this will keep other drivers from suffering a bad case of road rage becuae they will be able to watch you and your friend dance to the Spiderman cartoon theme song.
2. Stop, after successfully finding an apartment, and buy an out of season article of clothing to celebrate. It really is amazing how happpy buying a sweater in the middle of June in GA can make you.
3. Finish the trip with listening to "Love Train", this will remind you of a GAP commercial in turn reminding you of another GAP commercial, and THIS will remind you that love does exist. (Will Kemp, why won't you call me)
1. Wake up late because you were trying to figure out what time to leave with a friend that wasn't listening to you. Sometimes the nod does not mean "yes I do believe that is a good plan and it no longer requires thought", it could mean "God i am sick of hearing you talk". This will in turn make you miss your first appointment due to the fact you were an hour off in the math.
2. Stop at dunkin donuts for a bagel and have your friend let everyone in the store in front of her in line. This will cause you to sit in the car eating a bagel by yourself waiting on her, reminding you that every meal in 2 months will be eaten this way.
3. Go to Rooms to go to look at furniture and get jumped on by a gay sales man. He will make you lay down in every bed display to "get the feel of the unique design". (and by the way, why is it a straight guy won't ever do that)
4. Get a tour from a very nice black lady and then go to sign the paper work and ask your friend "how do you spell caucasian?" .... this could very possibly lead your friend to say "H-O-N-K-E-Y".
I have officail been referenced: http://melanieray.blogspot.com
I am in like Flynn on this Blog businez.
If you have to ask "Can I go to the store looking like this?" .... That is probably a good sign that it is a bad idea.
Ok so i am driving home today and a tree falls right behind my car. What is going on? Apparently the trees think i am Sonny Bono and they are out to get me. This is not ok!
So a tree almost fell on my car while I was driving during a storm last night and being that close to death I was able to experience the near death experience, and i am sad to report that i did not see my life flash.... what i did see was a vision of 50 midget being in the tree that fell and i thought "wow there are so many cooler ways to go than a tree hitting you"
When someone asks you if you would rather be eaten by a 10 cannibals chasing you or if you would run away throw a river filled with pirana, don't sit and analyze the question until you come up with a solution as to how to make friends with the cannibals. This will bring up the fact that this person WAS with you on the island and already got eaten and then you will look like a big ass for being friends with the people that just ate your friend. Who wants to be that guy? Simply say "I would make the piranas my pets."
I think the best pet in the world would be an ant eater... that is unless you are an ant activist.