{Subliminal Silence}
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
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7.31.2003

Here is the conversation that just occured:

marci: When you are a tard, you should know that you are a tard right? I mean you have to know that you are different than everyone else.

Melanie: Well I think his level of tard is the below the level of the"normal tard", which means he is more tard than someone with down syndrome. Which means he is REALLY tard'd

ok i might not be posting til sunday... gotta "kick ass" wedding to go to. I will be sailing the tequila seas. Wish me luck with this crowd. Have a good weekend.
if my life were a movie
I would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything I do would be interesting
I'd play the good guy
in every scene
but I always feel I have to
take a stand
and there's always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
I always feel I have to open my mouth
and every time I do
I offend someone
somewhere

Dear Ani,
my movie would be a lot like your but I think playing the bad guy might be fun too.
Love, Marci
3 stikes your out
or
3rd times a charm.

you decide.

7.30.2003

While watching a show I will not admit i am watching, I heard the one line that would probably make me fall for a guy. It went like this.

"I don't kiss on the first date but I will however zerbert"

Yep that would do it.
Something is off balance, or wrong, or not right, which i guess means wrong. Thing is I have no idea what it is. This is weird. I have the feeling i need the answer to something or there is something i should know but I can not quite figure out the answer becuase i have no clue what the question is. Man how do you go about figuring this out. I have the worst nervous feeling about something and can think of nothing else, I really don't even remember my 30 minute drive home from work. Maybe this is anxiety. I don't know .... something is wrong. It started out with me having a question of someone, and since it really wasn't any of my business (but it was something that would clear up a problem i have), i did not just come out and ask what i really wanted to know, the subject went astray and then i got confused. I am thinking the confusion was caused purposly by the other party in a way to avoid a question. Thing is this person does not know me well enough to pull that trick. My mind is in no way in shape to be confused. There is so much going on in there at any given time that there is a certain organization of the mind and i feel like someone took my file cabinets and poured then out. Man this is weird.

if you have a suggestion of the problem and solution, or a better prob and solution than what it could be, feel free to ---->
There is a narcoleptic at work that has his own office about 15 feet away from my cube. When he is not sick and making the most disgustng noises in the world, he is asleep. For real, if you can not hear his sneezing, snotting, burping, farting, gurgling, or coughing than he is asleep or there is the fact that he drinks 30 cups of coffee a day, so he might be in the break room. (Which makes it even more odd that he sleeps all day.)Well, aparently everyone knows about his little habit, becuase occasionally, the CFO comes by and bangs on his door and says "WAKE UP LEE!".

Here is what i wonder:
does he think it is funny everyone knows he sleeps 5 out of the 8 hours and gets coffe for 2 and might work for 1?
or
does he get upset that someone is making fun of his iability to stay awake?
or
does he sleep through the waning?

whatever it is he is not making noise and sending hideous particles into the air, so i am better off with him asleep so who am i to say anything.
I arrived home yeterday and my neighbor had a story to tell me that ended up really depressing me. First you need to know he is gay, that will make the story make much more sense. He met a guy online about a week ago and told me of their conversation, and the way the guy answered questions, I told my neighbor that i bet he is a "27 year old married man with 3 kids".
Well, when I got home yesterday, my neighbor was on my stairs and told me that the internet guy had come over, and it turned out he was in fact 27, married with 2 kids. So I added one little beast, other than that I right on the money. He had been married 10 years and just came over for some afternoon booty with a stranger.
Well this got me to thinking. Anyone that I have ever known to hit on me and be married was right around 27. Anyone I know that actually has ventured out and cheat on their wife was 27.
Now I have this list of requirements in a guy. (which i might post later just for fun) It is extensive and some of the things seem weird, but I learn from experience so those things have to be on the list. Well I am adding to the list that the guy has to be at least 31. I think 27 is a magic age for guys when they look around and say "Oh no is this it". (My mom informed me that it is around 33 for women)
After thinking about all this, I made the decision that I never want to get married. It is one thing is a boyfriend cheats on you, but a husband, oh hell no. And just for a second, girls, imagine if your husband cheated on you with a man. I would have to kill myself before the police got there to avoid spending the rest of my life in jail.
Isn't marriage made for having kids and not dying alone. Well I don't want kids and if i did that could technically happen without getting married, and if i don't want to die alone, why not find someone at nice old age and ask them to hold your hand when you die.
I do have one option to get married to my version of "the One" at the age of 41. So i have room to change my mind, but at this point I would not trust a guy, and it sucks noone has ever even cheated on me, this is simly me observing the world around.

So that is right all you single guys, you just lost a quality hottie because of the behavior of your fellow gender.

7.29.2003

Let me clear something up:

I talk with commercials, i sing the jingles (sometimes in teh style of christina aguilera), Yes I do make vvrrooming noises when turning corners (at work, grocery store, hospital, even in the car), yes when i sing a song out loud in my cubicle, I will match the voice and accent of the singer.

Some other REALLY cool things about me:
I sometimes feel the need to sumersault off the couch at commercial break and stand up olympic style.
I sometimes get out of the bed in the morning dancing, (it turns out i might be a morning person)
I sometimes open the fridge 15 times a night even though I know there is nothing in there, and close it while screaming "DAMMIT" every single time.
I sometimes act like there are other people in my house and play games with them (they are all named Fred).
I sometimes get up at commercial break and jump on the couch.
I sometimes have conversations with people when they are not there, fully intending to have the exact conv. with them the next time i talk to them, however, I usually forget about it when i do talk to them.
I sometimes make up stories about totally useless things that explains their existance in my life. (the reason the paper towel has been on the floor for a week is becuase i think the roof will leak in that spot one day)
I sometimes (ok always) personify all objects and give them a back ground story. (currently my stapler is a reformed gang member from the hood that has been sent into my life to straighten up. He is doing good)

Now you all know a bit about me that you didn't. And looking back on these things it turns out that i might understand why i am single.
good mood has hit and hit hard.

It never ceases to amaze me that becuase everyone thinks i am nuts anyway, that i can get away with a lot. Today i am singing to every song on the radio i have in my cube. (should i be disturbed that I know all the words to Missy Elliotts "work it", not sure about that ) Not one person has said anything to me. I swear the nursing home is going to be so cool one day. If i can already do this stuff when i am old i will totally be able to run people over with my wheelchair and plant m&m's and the orderlies will just look at it and walk on. Looks like i am going to have to step it up a notch soon.

7.28.2003

I FOUND MY MECCA!

I have mentioned before that sometimes I talk nonstop for hours at a time, even if I am alone. Well today I went to Publix, all you northerners are missing out. Anyway, while there they did not have any of the ready to cook prepared meals in the meat department that i have come accustumed to, I went to ask the nice old man in the publix uniform what was going on. I explained to him that without these meals I would surely starve and never be able to eat again. Well, Stanley started talking and i think about 10 minutes later he shut up, but only after I gave an excuse as to why I needed to go, but not after he got me a salmon wellington. (scrumdilliumptious) So I proceeded onto the checkout and the nice older man at the register decided to tell me about his first trip to Red Lobster and how him and his wife had a wonderful time and reaceived a free cake for his birthday. I had a great time. I am not so sure the woman behind me was quite as intrested as I acted to be. This conversation lasted about 5 minutes.

I have finally figured out that, when i am old and grey, the place to be is publix. I really don't think this is a habit I will ever break, so looks like one day i will be in a teal and peach outfit, talking the ear off some young kid that is simply trying to shop. I think i am exhausting my audience anyway so maybe I might need to go get a job soon.
i am about to have a Melanie Moment. Repeat with me
14 more days
14 more days
14 more days
My most embarrassing moment ever occured on my first date ever. I was 13 and was going to the FL state fair to meet a high school boy. Now he was older and I thought that meant wiser, so i studied up on how to appear older. I had seen on tv people using big works and making eye contact. So this was the plan. I wore bright orange booty shorts and a white halter top and of course my Keds. (hey it was early 90's). So, looking all cute I show up and meet him and we have a good time and towards the end of the day we sit down with a coke to talk and i am practicing my, almost freaky, eye contact, when all the sudden I lift my straw to my mouth and since I was looking at his eyes, I missed my mouth and stuck the straw straight up my nose. Ok I am cool, I can play this off, so I lower the cup and the straw is not in the cup. OMG the straw is sticking out of my nose like i am a retarded walrus. So at this point I am still thinking I can play this off. I am after all staring in his eyes so surely he has not noticed. This is the point where I grab the straw and pul it out of my nose and look at it. Yep, turns out there is no playing it off becuase there is blood all over the straw and running down my face. First date ever i pierce the inside of my nose with a straw. He never called again.

7.27.2003

Is it really ok for one person to have this much fun by themselves while throwing out everything they own? I really just don't know. I have not moved in awhile, and the only time that I made a BIG move was from FL to GA for college, and that was not fun at all. That was like a prison sentance that I was not ok with for 2 years after the move. But now that i am used to the accents, red dirt, and what they call "home cookin", it seems the move is so much fun.

I guess the only other moves have been out of dorms, out of an apartment where a roomates boyfriend pulled a gun on me, one where I lost my best friend ever and one after a breakup with a boyfriend. Maybe it is the fact that I am choosing this move on my own, even though 90% of the people in my life think i am messing up or maybe it is the fact that I am moving back to a city, or that i am moving to a place with air conditioning, or the fact that i am running towards something that I REALLY hope will still be there when i get there (but that is a secret no one can know about so SSHH). I think it might be all but mostly the air.

well ok enough with the break, the beastie boys are calling me to dance and clean out the closet.

7.25.2003

I have been slacking lately as far as looks go... like air drying hair and wearing no makeup. I have not gone anywhere in a while and i am on the last stretch at work, what's the point. Well tonight I thought I was going to sit home until the phone call came where the voice on the other end said "get a shower and get ready, we are going out". Wow. So i got a shower, blew dried (or is it blow dried, paul), my hair and put on makeup. Man, I now i am normally just a fine human being, but man, tonight i am just damn hot.
After reading Cacoa I got all depressed and went looking for a good man. Girls the reason we can't find one is they are all taken. Example

Next weekend I am going out of town to a friends wedding. Ok now the groom is a very good friend of mine. Definately in the top top 5 of life time friends. However, all of his friends are a totally different story. i have been invited to the bachlorette party the nigth before the wedding and I am not friends with any of the girls. The only reason i am going is for him, and to hang out with his dad is probably the coolest man besides my own father. This group of girls are the type that you would rather bang your head against the wall than have to carry a conversation on with. I will go ahead and say that they are all very nice people and incredibly sweet. but that is the problem, my personality is not sweet and usually hurts the feelings of such matching outfit wearing humans. needless to say Melanie and i will be stocking up on alcohol to get through the weekend long event. I already have so much anxiety about this trip, it is as if i am planning a trip to my parents house. It is so bad that i made the comment last night that i think we might need to get some of the wakey tabacky for the event. OMG what is that, i have not done that in a very long time. it seems that as I get older the anxiety level is going up. and that sucks
It is getting trickier and trickier to run at night. You see I don't want to pass all the people that are out walking their baby strollers, or the happy couples walking hand in hand. I don't want to have to wave or say hello, or here there stupid comment about how hot it is. So i try to time the run right before the sun goes down. Well last night I ended up picking up a kid. Yea you expect to get followed by a dog or too and that is ok, hell a pack of wolves would be ok, but when a little girl on a pink bicycle rolls up next to you and starts talking about how tired her legs are and expects you to reply, that is not ok. So this girl followed right behind me for a mile and a half. Christ people if it is getting dark out call your kids in, what ever happened to the street light rule.

7.24.2003

Oprah I am calling you out! You have lied to America and the othe 128 or so countries you saw you are in.

Today on Oprah (a show i never watch), she had people that were going to do things they had been wanting to do for a long time. Well there was this family, named the Smiley's, (first clue this is not real). Well the Smiley's were a family of mom, dad, 3 well into high school age boys, and a little girl. Mom decided that after 8 years it was time to go out and meet the neighbors. So naturally she dressed the whole family in bright yellow t-shirts with that annoying smile on then (calling it the family symbol), baked tons of brownies and carried bright yellow balloons with, you guessed it, that annoying smile. They proceed to go door to door and meet every house AND invite every house to go with them on their journey through the subdivision. People actually left their house in their bath robes to go meet their neighbors. At the end, the entourage was at lest 20 people and every house in the neighborhood had a balloon hanging on tehir mailbox.

Ok first when I was in high school, my parents couldn't get me to take out the trash much less go door to door in a neighborhood, and much less WEAR MATCHING T-SHIRTS, Oh hell no. Second of all I don't think i would have opened the door if I saw about 30 yellow smiley faces outside the door, as a matter of fact I would probably call the police, or better yet thrown red paint out the window at them while trying to recreate a scene from carrie on all those damn yellow faces. And third, I do not think it at all believable that people followed in bath robes and bare feet.

Oprah YOU LIE and i am going to tell everyone.
To day at work one of my better friends told me that i am in fact "incredibly Annoying"..... First, You should be honored that I would want to share my daily wittisims with you. I am funny and well worth SOMEONES time. Ok yes sometimes i say things that are so random and i ask what if questions or would you rather questions, but this just adds a nice 2 minute break in here and there through out the day. I only wish someone wanted to keep me happy and make me laugh randomly throughout the long boring work day. I would appreciate it. But no this gets translated into me being bothersome. Second, just don't open the IM.... it is not big and flashy, it simply sits at the bottom toolbar and says "hi, i will leisurely blink in a very inconspicuous way until you have time to read me". Since when did having a sense of humor make you annoying. If you are in a bad mood simply tell me to leave you alone. I guess i can't change the fact that i am "annoying", so I will have to find a new friend that is not yet clued into the fact that I am incredibly annoying and hard to hang out with.
Man last night my internet went down and all i wanted to do was order some books off half.com. So I was sitting there bored, when the drummer of my favorie local jam band stopped by to give me a copy of their new cd. How awsome, I might not get to see them play for a long time with the move and all and i am completely excited about this cd. If you all ever see a marquee for "Blue Brew and Company" sstop and listen. They are a group of the best guys in the world. In fact the bassist has more of my respect than anyone on this Earth for standing up for me years ago in a very bad situation. So we drank a beer together and then they took off, but good news they are buying my couch and retro 70's chair. I have an attachment to both these things so i am happy they have found a good home.

So i get into bed at 11 and read and fall asleep only to be awoken out of my slumber by the ringing phone at 1:30. It is my friend Melanie. The first words out of her mouth are "Milli is a Whore". So i think this might be good. She had gone out to a Bar in another town and one of my friends from college was there with a girl that met him through me. Now this girl is short and her face never really developed so she lookd like she has a hint of Down Syndrome (for this reason we will call her Milli, it is as if she is a millichromosome away from the Downs) , she has red hair and freckles all over her, She tries to act intelligent but has to ask you what words such as "narcissistic" mean, and she might be a bit "special". Well, the guy that she thinks she has been dating for quite a few months now is an old buddy of mine from college. Only, he would not tell any of his friends about her and always denied dating her. Now i have never been anything but nice to this girl, even though I really have no use for her, she thinks that I want her man, but she doesn't realize that I have known him for almost 7 years and if i was going to jump his bones, I would have probably done it by now. We are not really what you call, eachothers type.

So last night Melanie is trying to have a good time, and trying to get into the pants of a bartended she has loved since 3rd grade and Milli kept coming up and cornering her to talk about how much she hates me. Apparently, the last time this happened, milli said some bad words about me and then had to run out into the parking lot to puke. HAHAAH Milli, Karmas got my back, don't mess with me.. So Melanie calls to tell me this and I initially think "OMG this nasty little bitch is calling MY friends over to talk about me, a little class goes a long way" but then after some contemplation on the matter I think i need to call milli today and tell her thank you. If someone that ugly is that jealous of me and that intimidated by me, I think that is one of the biggest compliments. You are right Milli, I am better than you, i am much better looking, i am smarter, yes I will go so much farther in life, and yes IF i wanted your man he would be mine, it just turns out i don't.

So Preach on sister. Let everyone in the world know how intimidated you are. and thank you.

Also, upon asking mealnie if she stood up for me the conversation went as follows.
mel: HELL YES I did, I got your back
me: What did you say?
Mel: Well I told her to chill.
me: That's it?
Mel: Yea

I think mel might be a lover and not a fighter, That is why I love her. But next time tell her what a dirty whore she is.

7.23.2003

Do you ever get the urge to swing a baseball bat around and take out as many people as you can? No, oh you must not have a job.
Ok so yesterday when I said I hate everyone, (remember, some people took it literally) well I am here to offer you all a suggestion as to how to get on my good graces. And it is easy, all you have to do is watch "Queer Eye For the Straght Guy" on Bravo at 10:00pm etd Thursday. Seriously, this will prove to me that you are I see eye to eye on this whole humor thing. If you watch and do not laugh once, forget about being my friend (sounds harsh, but there is no way you will not laugh). Last night, I saw it for the first time and with lines like:

"Oh she does not recognize him with 2 eyebrows"
"My Little Pony" (said while trying to fix the big burley oafs hair situation)
"This house IS where the wild things grow"
&
"Is she a hooker, or does she drive a big rig"

How can you not love this show?

In other News:
Paul and I got into about him talking smack about my grammar on his blog and it was a real doozy of a fight and in the 37th round he came out we reaslized that we both stood on the same Asshole/bitch ground and joined forces. Ok really no that did not happen but he did link me on his site witha reference to midgets. WHOO HOO!

7.22.2003

I can die now!

My life is complete, there are no other big events waiting to happen. I have seen it all. The mystries of the world have been unlocked to me. That is right, today driving back from a peaceful lunch break at the lake, I drove past a car detail place and right before my very eyes, I saw them detailing an El Camino. Yep some one must have a hot date tonight.

El Camino, El El Comino
The front is like a car the back is like a truck
The front is where you sit the back is where you...
El Comino, El El Comino

When I was little, maybe 7 or so, I was an incredible geek and noone wanted to be my friend. Well my mom, in an attempt to make me more popular, gave me an Oglivie Home Perm. Surely this would raise my self esteem. Well, after getting it on, my mom got hooked into doing something. Watching Wheel of Fortune or something. This is the point where I started feeling intense burning on my head and when I initially got my mothers attention it was too late. She had burned all my hair off. So for the next school year i had to show up, not with the cool braces, or cool book bag, or cool leg glasses everyone had but with a little boy hair cut.

thought i would share.
I have decided, for this week at least, that i hate everyone. Yea, that includes you. This in no way is going to affect my mood, nothins gonna bring me down. I guess there are some people I will continue to like but the good majority I woud rather you leave me alone. 19 more days of working in a cube! Oh wait, maybe i hate everyone for 19 more days, that sounds better.

Also Sorry Boz. I tried to make it. Stupid computer is against you.

7.20.2003

Why is it can remember how awsome it was to lose baby teeth, and when it get loose I would play with it pushing it back and forth with my tounge , but I can not remeber how the teeth grew back in? Did I walk around with half teeth... if so that is just weird.
I went to dive bar this weekend, which I have not done in a very long time, and this place was truely the best bad bar I have ever been to. It is in an area of town not many peope venture too, and after the prompting from "The Boy", I agreed to go. (ok it didn't take much to get me there, i secretly love places like this, however I can not let anyone know this). We get to the door and there is a metal gate on the windows and after closer inspection I noticed that there was what seemed to be a bullet hole in the glass. So we walk in and there are 4 people in the building. A man covered in car grease that is apparently hooked on the poker machine, a woman that ran the place, and a man and woman sitting at the bar, and if the hairstyles were not an indication of how long they had been sitting there, the fact that the women kept falling off the stool was. So they yell "COME OWN IN" we sit down and after a quick look at the place I relized that my "good beer" habit was not going to apply here. I quickly said "I'll have a Bud Light".... a safe choice in a place like this. Well then "the Boy" asked if he could have a Jack and coke and the women said "Honey, we ain't got no liquor here". So he asks for MGD and she says "What in the hell is MGD? Sweetheart we ain't got none of that fancy shit. We have Bud and Coors". So know you should know the feel of this bar. This is the point that "the Boy" leans over and whispers "I swear to you this place did not used to be this bad, Do you want to leave?" At this very moment, the woman at the bar says "So How in the hell did you two find this bar?". I tell "The Boy" that I think we should stay. I proceed to tell the women that "bob "and I had just met because his car had broken down and I picked him up adn this was the first bar we saw, and that we were getting married in the morning. This might have been the wrong thing to say considering she had just lost her third husband earlier in the day. So she went on a diatribe about men. And then when she forgot how much she hated men she started talking about how she likes to pee outside and since she doesn't live in the woods she keeps getting in trouble for doing it next to the railroad tracks. This is the point when she uttered probably the best ohrase I have ever heard. She said:
"but ya know what, I go out there in the dark because my Angina don't glow in the dark"

I* turned and asked "The Boy" ...."isn't angina a medical condition?" this is the point when we left.
I will never know what came of the woman I named Gladys after we left, but something tells me she is still on that bar stool.

7.17.2003

Have you ever been so happy that your heart starts beating very fast and you think "OH MY GOD THIS IS IT, MY HEART ATTACK IS HERE", however you don't care because if you died right now, it is ok becuase you are happy?

If not you need that feeling once in your life.
When I was younger, my sister, being 3 years older, had a bigger selection of cd's than I did. Whenever she wasn't home or not looking I would go in and take one, listen to it, have a good time, and then place it back before anyone would notice. Now this is not even the same type of music I listened to, but for some reason I wanted them so bad. It had to be the fact that they did not belong to me, but at the time it seemed I never realized that. If ever she gave me one that she no longer wanted, even though it was one i would steal to listen to, it would end up neglected in the case and never listened to again. But what sucks is I still have always wanted the ones she never offered to give me.

It is wierd how things never change.
You ever have one of those dreams that is so real it takes you an hour after waking up to figure out it was a dream. That happened today and becuase of it I am at work an hour early. The dream had something to do with me exerciseing and i woke up sweaty, and got a shower thinking that I was amazing for actually getting up early and exerciseing. However, it turns out this was actually a dream and I have no air condition so it just felt like i had exercised.

7.16.2003

Today a friend of mine, while driving back from atl, was apparently incredibly bored and called me to say really.... nothing. That is fine that is what the phone is for right, and sitting in a grey cube at work sometimes nothing is a step up. Well in the middle of nothing he mentioned that there was a websit eon one of the traffic signs. This is probably the coolest thing I have seen in a long time. I mean be very careful! It is possible that this can and might consume your life. It is possible I made a fool of myself at work when I got all upset when it would not work. I mean it is traffic after all. I don't know what it is i think is so cool about it but hey I am easily amused. And in a way it is like I am spying on people and when i was little i thought spies were the coolest people becuase i liked sherlock holmes' hat. And I was sure you needed to be a spy to have one .,.... but now as i type this i realize ANYONE can have one, so forget all that.
Today I was conversing with a mom whom i happen to be friends with and we were talking about how she needed to get some sort of shelving or wardrobe closet for her childs room. I thought it was a bit odd that the home was built without a closet in one of the rooms, but when i think back to some of the strange places I have lived I was just going to go with the fact. She informed me that there was in fact a closet in the childs room only the child could not use it becuase that is where they store the X rated magazines and videos. Yep, Grade A American Pron. You would think my first thought would be "oh no the poor kid who sleeps in a room with a closet he can not only use but most likely can not even open" .....

NO my first thought was "another reason not to have kids", then my second thought was "OMG what did my parents keep in my closet" but we are not going to think about all that.

This is what I get for trying to lay off the poor midgets. I tried to leave that topic alone for awhile and now it seems every day it is something else about kids. Tomorrow we are back to the midgets, it is just so much more entertaining.

7.15.2003

I am still laughing and i have been alone for 5.5 hours. I don't know if it is that I have come to some really big realizations that make me very happy or if is that I only have 23 days left of working in a cubicle or if it that I am going through the progressions of being committed. Who knows..... But i can say I am definately glad the old me is back. Damn where have you been lately!
I have reach the end of my Dave Eggers book (A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius), a sad event indeed. This is a book everyone should read, it is like that movie you are hoping won't end because you might not ever see something this good again. Well, on the last few pages i was presnented with a question.

If you could bring one inanimate object to life and make it your pal, what would it be?

Mine would probably be a fan. You see this will serve 2 purposes. First, I will have my new pal follow me around and keep me cool, in GA this could be a great friend. Second, I could ask him (my pal would have to be male) question after question, ie: "Am I ugly?", "Is there anyone cooler than I?", "Have you ever met a funnier human being?", "Do my feet smell?", "Is einstein smarter than me?". In return my fan friend would oscillate a (very slow) NO in response. Instant self esteem boost and a cool enviroment. Yep definately an oscillating fan.

what would yours be?
I think there is something medically wrong with me. I have been laughing for the past 45 minutes. Everytime I get it under control, it happens again. The source of this laughter you ask, well it cames from a story that was told to me by and about someone at work. The story has to do with growing up next to a grave yard and jumping into open graves. Now that is all i am going to give becuase that is the main part of the story that has me cracking up. Apparently, the grave yard next to this person childhood home had readily available, pre dug graves, for that random emergency. This story was not meant to be funny, so you can imagine my embarrasment when i busted out laughing at it. After this happened it some comments that were made about of few other people have had me in hysterics.
I am in 3rd grade and not able to stop laughing and i will surely be sent to the principle soon. I wish my cube was sound proof.

Also, I just discovered that i think it is a bit of a turn on to be called captain.

7.14.2003

So I am at the age that I look at a guys finger before I even look to see if he is good looking. It seems there is always a damn ring on the finger. The part that is annoying, is the fact the ring no longer means anything. The only ones that will even think of hitting on a single girl are the ones from the married catagory. What is this? Is being married leave you so unfulfilled that you are constantly seeking more? My parents stayed happily married to this day, so I do think it can happen. Or is it possible that is something of the past? I guess it has to be, just another generational difference. DAMN my generation got screwed on everything! It is not ok to be a hippy, we got Rap (what the hell), we got Jim Carey, we got designer drugs, and we only have a pool of married men to choose from. This just does not seem fair.

I am in full understanding that some of the good ones get grabbed early (in some cases) before they really know what they are doing..... I won't name names but anyone i went to college with knows the 4 that instantly come to mind. Those poor few good ones that got suckered into marriage way too early and now they are miserable. The other "good ones" are too smart for all that madness and hide away.

I just need to say to next married man that comes on to me in the grocery store you better watch out. NO, I do not need you to tell me the best way to pick out a mango or where the freshest bread is, knowing that you don't know what you are doing in the first place.

I am gald I am single, and I don't have some man trying to seek elsewhere. Yep, Stu (phone booth) you got what you deserved.
The best thing I have heard all day:

"oh yea, that reminds me, he also hates my unborn child"

a close second:

"I forgot because she is like a flea turd in my list of importance"
There is an order of things in this society and I think a few people might not know the rules.

We can call it an alternate caste system if you will.
There are certain characteristics that mesh you into the social world. There is looks, personality, intelligence, ability to get things done, and over all coolness. Now what people need to understand is that if I am above you in EVERY SINGLE category, Don't associate with me. And if you do sure as hell don't be mean to me. There are people that can be mean to me, but that is because they are above me, or along side me, in one or a few of the categories and I know my place. There are just very few of these people.

Please pass this information on to everyone you know, I really hate to see infractions of the rules, such as I have this morning.
So is this guy done with drugs or is it just beginning

dumb ass

I AM A BAD FRIEND!

It is amazing I have friends. I guess they are people that understand my hatered for the telephone, but even if the understand it, I still feel bad. People will call at inconvient times, like while I am watching movies, hanging out with other people, or ... doing something else and I will tell them I need to go and I will call them back. DO I? not usually. I have every intention of doing so, but then when a convienent time arrives for me to do so, I always have something else I have to do. I did this 2 times yesterday.

I just think the telephone needs to be used for this conversation:
- hey what are you doing?
- nothing
-wanna hang out
-ok
-see you soon

Now most the people i do this to, live far away or are people i don't really hang out with, just talk to. So I am feeling all bad about this and get to work this morning and i have an email from a really good friend who just so happens to be in Iraq. It says something to this extent : "marci, I haven't heard from you in a long time and i really miss you" Yea that is right, he is over there and I can't even try to keep him company with a simple email. Just so you all know i do TRY to follow through, and take no offense, I do it everybody. Go ahead and tell me I am lucky to have friends, I deserve it.

Man, i am going to have to break this habit if i am planning on keeping a few promises I have made recently.

7.12.2003

In the middle of the night last night, I woke myself up sneezing. Is this as weird as I think it is. I know I talk in my sleep and I have even been know to walk around and complete little tasks and not wake up. Just recently, I have been told that i sometimes grind my teeth (a little habit my sister used to do that I found utterly disgusting). NOW i sneeze in my sleep. At least I don't drool, but i do think the husband search just got harder.

7.11.2003

A classic line over heard tonight: "I don't know what sex would be like if I wasn't drunk and high".

WINNERS!
When your friend thinks she is being really cool and throws her favorite toy at you from across the room... the protocol is to pick it up, bite it in half (yes with teeth), and throw it back. Yes, this sounds immature, however, this is what needs to be done. She will get upset and yell and tell you that we are taking you to get staralized, but it will be worth the gut wrenching laughter when you realize how incredible cool you actually are.
Closure

I had some long over due closure last night and I feel fantastic. Many moons ago when the movie ET came out, I went with my mom, dad, and sister. I think this is the number one most tramatic experience of my life. No I was not beaten, i did not sleep with animals, my parents never divorced, was not abandoned punky brewster style at the grocery store, NO... I simply was taken to the movie theater for my first time and saw ET. Do not let anyone fool you this is not a movie for children, and my poor parents had no clue. Well, at the end of it when my fat 3 year old body stood up in my chair and yelled at the top of my lungs, "NO ET DON"T GO HOME" My dad snatched me up and swore to never take me to another movie ever.

Now to this day when something in my life goes wrong, I know that it has to do with the fact that ET got on that ship and left gertie and her brother, when all they ever did was love him. My mother will cut me off sometimes in a ramble of complaints and how rough life is "Marci, He had to go home. There was nothing for him here." When I get in car wrecks, as i so often do, it is ET's fault. When I can not decide what is for dinner, it is ET's fault. ect.

Well last night i was all down i the dumps again and ET came on. The last time i saw the last 30 minutes of the movie was in a movie theater in Tampa with the fam. When it comes on tv i turn it off right then, or else I know my life will be ruined. Well last night being all upset thought that it would be nice to wallow and watch the end. .... HOLY SMOKES... something happened.

I was sitting on the edge of the couch telling the boys to ride faster to the payground, and mentally trying to get them to pedal harder on their bike so ET could make it to his ship without getting caught. What was going on..... I believe this is a little something called CLOSURE my friends. Yes that is right, my mother was correct, there was nothing for him here and he would have died if he stayed, HE HAD TO GO, and I finally understand. Yes that is right, 24 years old and I understand ET, SO this is definately not a childrens movie. of cousre i cried like a blubbering idiot and continued to cry myself to sleep, but i get it. It is not all his fault things go wrong in my life .... i think it is that i was never left in parking lot.... DAMN YOU PUNKY BREWSTER, now it is all your fault.

7.10.2003

If there is a heaven, it smells like Home Depot, ... yep hands down.
CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER.

Today I had my very first anxiety attack. tomorrow a good friend of mine is having a baby shower at work, and as much as i hate this stuff, it is for Britt, so it is cool. Well I decide I am going to go to Wal*Mart to get a gift and as I walk into the childrens section (a section I normally avoid like the plauge thinking it is something i can catch) I suddenly get incredibly confused. I can not find anything and then, all at once it was like the gates of hell were opened and 800 little kids were released into Wal*Mart. I am trying my best to find something and go but I am getting hit with shopping carts becuase someone let the kid drive, they are all yelling and screaming, they are dirty, then one starts chasing me, and I swear one wiped a booger on me. I swear it was like the 8th plauge when the locusts sourounded the Earth. I looked down and I swear I saw my shirt moving becuase my heart had sped up so fast and i started sweating and shaking. I thought that if I could only scream I would feel so much better, but I can that would surly rile the troops. So i left and went to another department so that i could try to breath. I know I have to find something before I leave so I try it again. Bad decision! It happened all over again and I could not get out of the section there were like little kid road blocks all over the place. It is so weird that I like midgets so much considering how much I do not like children. I mean is it really neccessary that there are this many kids on Earth at one time? Little disease spreading imps.

So i am trapped in the kids section with no way out and i can barely breath. I finally find an escape path and jet for the door of wal*mart. I got in my car and came home.

I have been wondering for a while now why every one i work with in on anti depressants adn anti anxiety drugs. Well I now know that this must come with parenthood. I will make the worst parent if i ever do procreate. I hope like hell if i ever mess up and have a child HE better come out with a full vocabulary and potty training. Kids are not bad sometimes, But i have to know there are no more around and I can send it home when ever I want to.

I apoligize to all of you out there that have kids, this is just my opinion. (and I have a feeling there are a bunch of people out there that agree with me)
Ok so i did my name in googlism and who knew it would be so on the money! This has made me feel good about being a tall black, stuck up, member of the crew team.

marci is a tall black woman i meet during a visit at seop's shelter for pregnant adolescent girls
marci is first and foremost an atmospherically
marci is the most knowledgeable body worker i've ever met
marci is intuitive and adaptable to any situation
marci is our most versatile player
marci is a smart kid
marci is hot
marci is the one being nuzzled on the ear
marci is comprised of two cameras that will observe the behavior of the martian atmosphere and interaction between the atmosphere and the surface of the planet
marci is considering doing it again
marci is stuck up
marci is best known for her involvement with the jewish community center
marci is the best thing to happen to me in my life
marci is also a member of the crew team
marci is leaving
marci is jealous that she can't play the drums
My fiance Neal is the best beacuse:

1. I have been all sad lately and he comes on-line and says "hey Beautiful", now this sounds simple but that can really make a person feel better

2. He will call on his way to hang out with a group of friends and sit quietly why you explain to him that a girl he knows is dangerous because she went to Iowa. He will not cut you off when you try to tell him Iowa does not exist and it is just a joke that elementary school teachers play on the world for fun and that it is really the name of some secret cult. He then says "OMG I totally think you are right" and then agrees to stay away from anyone from Iowa.

3. He will call back just to ask you if we can still get married if he was cripple. When I ask "how cripple are we talking here?", he say "just that he runs like a gimp". And I say "that is fine just never run in front of me. And if you were to lose a leg and get a fake one you need to understand that when I was in a good mood and joking around it is quite possible I will take your leg and hit you with it, and i will occasionally throw it across the room and then yell at you for not being ready on time, and not that this is mean, just that it is the fun that makes up Marci." and he says "Cool, we need a dog too".

4. And he will sing Greenday at Kareoke just for me even though i am, roughly, 2170.23 miles away.


7.09.2003

Sometimes i complain about stupid things for fun and it is weird when i hear someone that seriously does it. There is a woman at work, without mentioning any names, that apparently has way too much time on her hands.

this is the actual email the entire building recieved today:

"Will whoever left the broken plastic spoon in the breakroom sink please go put it in the trashcan."

So there is a guy at work that is too weird for words. The kind that says things and then laughs at them like they were jokes, but really if it was meant to be a joke...... not only is he weird, but incredibly lame. And he constantly pops and burns popcorn at work and then proceeds to walk through the building with it, causing the foulest smell possible. I understand that I am from a completely different generation, but damn dude try to blend.

So just recently I have felt that he was trying to squeeze his way through my socail filter uninvited. OK BUDDY the filter is there for a reason, you have to be of certain caliber to speak to me. So every time he trys to talk to me, I shock him in some demented way. He is much older and this is not hard to do. Today I made the comment that kids are gross and should be eliminated from the Earth, while he was talking about his son's. YEP I THINK THAT DID IT.

7.08.2003

Dear Big Brother,

For three season now you have been making me feel so good about myself. This season, on the premier, when you introduced the X Factor (as you so cleverly named it) with putting in the ex boyfriend/girlfriend of the housemates and they all got all upset and almost vomitted, I once again felt superior. If I was on the show and you wanted to put one of my ex's in there, I would say BRING IT. You see I am great friends with all of mine, I actually talk to all of them once every at least few weeks). After watching the show, I feel that this is a great feat (even though it shouldn't be) and i want to say to the 4 of you that I dated (er.... ) for over a year, You are all still cool guys, (of course with your own individual problems, except:

Rex, you rock whole heartedly, young significant other=best significant other
&
Steven, all I have to say is "let's go to the punk rock show".

Even the guys I dated for less than that, (very few of those) I still talk to and have a beer with occasionally. Hell, I am supposed to marry one of them (but I think only because he gets paid more in the navy if he is married, but hey I am getting old and I think he might LIKES me why not)

Thanks again Big Bro for making me feel, once again, more easy going and better than all your cast members,

Love,
Marci


I have finally gotten a few nights in a row where I have not been bothered by anyone and I was able to read, watch tv and only talk during the parts I wanted to talk through, dance to jingles on commercials (Fanta being a favorite of mine), eat really disgusting things (pretzels dipped in peanutbutter and powdered sugar) and not have to hear how gross it is, yell at the tv when i feel it is needed, jump on the bed, do sumersalts off the couch, take a bath, go to bed when I want to, toss and turn all i want to without waking anyone up, pretend i am surfing with the girls on surf girls (I only watched it becuase nothing else was on and i got to surf), have heated debates with myself (out loud so the judges can here) about the pros and cons of cleaning the kitchen, and i get to sing real loud to any really bad song that comes to mind.

Life is good.

7.07.2003

Why is the taste of beer directly correlated to the kind of day you had? Bad day= GREAT tase, good day= "oh a beer".
I could be drinking a 40 of the Bull and it would be great right now.
People always try to tell me that Bert is not a real person and I need to stop acting like he is. Bert is the only true love in my life he is beautiful and full of personality. He is a silver VW Jetta. Well the tape player in bert has been broken for about 3 months. Yesterday, in a moment of bordom, I thought that maybe I would go spend some time with bert in the yard adn scrub him down, wash his tires, give him better eye shight by removing the bugs on his window, and armoral every part possible. I spent about 2 hours with him giving him the complete Spa package. Well today, it was blanetly obvious that bert was the happiest car on the road. I got in my car after leaving a bad day of work and bert started making welcoming noises in the radio. So i plugged in my cd player on a whim and IT WORKED. We jammed out to OAR all the way home.

So to all those people that say he is not real, SCREW YOU.

also, in the why is my afternoon so great: I got my new Sedaris book in the mail and i am listening to boogie on regee woman, you go stevie!
How IKEA ruined my life:

So I am moving to Atl in just 1 short month and I have found a really cute little apartment right in midtown. The only thing is that it is a studio so I need the perfect furniture as to not mess up the fung shui of my new enviroment. Well, I found a beautiful piece that would hold tv, radio and ALL my books. PERFECT! it was at IKEA for only 50$. My life was good, there was a bounce in my step and a blue bird on my shoulder...... UNTIL, IKIEA called me to inform me that shipping fees were going to be 100$. That is right with one sentance the woman pushed me down and killed the blue bird.

So, i narturally asked the woman if she would be willing to drive it from NJ to GA for me and I would indeed reimburse her with a 20$ bill. The bitch said NO. However, she did inform me that in the 3 year plan they do intend on opening a store in SC. WOW THANKS FOR THE INFO!

7.04.2003

What is better than spending a drunken holiday completly alone with nothing to do and no one to talk to, you ask? Well that would be going to rent your weekly four movies and getting beaten up in a robbery.

Yes, that is right as i am pulling into the video store, 3 cop cars are pulling out of the police department that is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET. They pull in behind me and being the selfish person I am, Iof course, I take the parking spot right in front of the door. I go in and there is a black guy arguing with the woman behind the counter.

WBC: You planning on paying for those?
BG: Naw i ain't
WBC: well you can not leave the store with them
BG: your fat ass gonna stop me?

This is the point where the guy turns around and elbows me in the eye and i proceed to fly off my feet into a movie display. However, I must say it was probably the most graceful fall that has ever occurred. I should have stood up like Mary Lou Retton with my arms in the air to receive my gold metal. Anyway, Standing behind me there was a big computer geek looking guy, who by the way I should not talk bad about becuase I too am by myself at the video store on July 4th. This guy grabs the black guy and throws him against the wall and holds him there with one hand. The cops were coming in the door at this point and took over from there. But I am pretty sure that this computer geek will be on the front of the paper tomorrow holding up his honorary police badge. This is the point where i will be forced to write in an editorial about how when the plice are at the door you should help the really fine girl up as opposed to grabbing the robber that the cops would nab anyway.

So, i stand up and find me four movies while listening to the tape play back. Yes that is right I got to hear it all over again. I could not help but laugh as the black guy glared at me. Oh well, WHATCH YA GONNA DO? BRING IT. Meanwhile his two friends a, guy and a girl wearing a sport jersey dress and a sports headband, I am sure she was a professional athlete, stood by the door. I , of course, smiled at them and walked passed to come home and put ice on my face, drink wine ALONE, and watch my four movies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

Tip to robbers every where: Do not rob the establishment that is directly across the street to the police department.
Tip to friends of the robber: If given the chance to haul ass, DO

7.03.2003

I am riding in the car and i am forced to hear:

"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die,"
Says the man next to me out of nowhere
.....
And he's plain ugly to me

Sheryl Crow, you just might be a bitch.... If a man said that to me at bar and he was there all alone, i would put him in my pocket and wisk him off for one day of fun at the midget farm.

(or maybe I would say "Dude, your ugly!" who knows... sorry for being harsh Sheryl)

I reallly need to get my radio fixed.

side note: Greg you are right, i might have a fixation with midgets, but hell they are so cool!
CNN Breaking News

-- U.S. offers $25 million reward for information leading to capture of Saddam Hussein, or proof of his death, officials say.


Man I wish i knew where he was!
Without mentioning any names, I need to vent about a very serious thing. It is a long story how a certain man got my email address and he is a super nice, do anything in the world for you, all around great guy. He is the father of one of my good friends. The problem is, I think he is stalking me with Christian email. No really! I receive about 8 emails a day and all of them are long "Go God!" emails. When i say long I mean 5 page heart warming stories. Now first, I don't do heart warming. I am Chandler on Friends. (the episode where he will not cry at Bambi and Monica calls him "empty inside") For christ sake (oops i mean jeez) I just had a discussion the other day with a very super guy about whether Sling Blade was a comedy. Secondly, I really don't do Jesus stories. Say i am going to hell, what ever, but send me the raunchy funny stuff. I know many church going people who do not like getting there mailbox bombarded with them.

Now here is the weird thing. I HAVE NEVER MET THIS MAN. No I just had to do a favor for a friend and emial his dad one time, and BAM on the distribution list.

All of these emails are the kind that you have to send back and to 5 other people and now i feel like a big bitch that this really nice old man is wondering why i am not sending back his stories.

Any advice would be greatly received.

Please do the world a favor and do not let your grampa get on the computer and send this stuff out. It is just wrong and to the receiver there is nothing you can do, but continue to feel stalked.
You know things are bad when you go to the gas station and the flavor in the slurpee machine is banana and you do not have the urge to jump up and down and scream like every other time you make it on banana day. And you know it is even worse when you leave without carrying a banana slurpee.

7.02.2003

At what age will I stop seeing "Adult Only" signs, and have to think about if i am allowed to proceed?

7.01.2003

I just saw the end of a commercial that said "Call 1-877-POOCHIE".

Can someone tell me what this is for.
After recieving this email:

I'm writing to thank you for saying happy birthday......oh yeah you didn't

I want to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEAL!
Can anyone tell me why I can not drink at work when i do not run any heavy machinery?