{Subliminal Silence}
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
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When you are in the back seat of a car and the driver looks at the passanger and very calmly says "You know to grab the wheel if I black out, right?", it is ok to be a little bit afraid.



I am gone for the weekend........ My good pal Deuce is here early to take me to MARTA so that we "can stop and get a few beers in me" before I start freaking out about seeing the fam. He is the best friend a girl could ask for.

Ok I am off to get drunk, hopefully my buzz will last the plane ride, so i can better deal with my family.



"students will abstain, for a complete 14 days, from any mood altering substance, including caffeine in any form, alcohol, sugar, narcotics, stimulants (including nicotine), chocolate, and/or marijuana. Self identified compulsive behaviors are also to be eliminated for 2 weeks. Students will keep an intensive daily log of struggles, physical reactions, sleep changes, and feelings."

This starts next Wednesday. How fantastic that I am going to my sisters wedding this week and have to miss free beer, and now I will be missing it for another 2 weeks. On top of that I have to go to work for 10 of those days and have homeless addicts blow smoke in my face for 5 hours at a time. I think I might be keeping a journal here too, one that will most likely mirror my class journal. Here is what I imagine it will say for everyone of the 14 days.

"Dr. ***, you are ruining my fucking life. If you were not so attractive I would tell you to die, instead I will just walk my bitchy ass to your office at every free moment I have and hang out with you so that you can enjoy my attitude as much as I am enjoying your little assignment."
Tomorrow I fly to VA to my sisters wedding. Most of you don't know the kind of family I have but I am promising story after story on Sunday. First off, it is an outside wedding on the coast in the middle of hurricane season. Second, my parents are a little less than happy about the wedding and are not afraid to state their piece to anyone. Third, I am wearing a seafoam green dress. Fourth, there will be alcohol, which normally is great BUT if my mom drinks one glass of wine she will become the private person my sister and I know in public, this can only lead to things I like to call "You want to kill yourself since your mom is so mean" "Please let me find the humor fast" moments.

My grandfather, who is not able to make it to the wedding, called me and he senses that something bad might happen as well, and said "I know your sister will back down to please people, but I have never seen you back down with your parents so you need to promise me that you will be there at all times to stop anything before it starts, so your sister can have a good day." I guess I have been assigned the family referee. Too bad my priority is avoiding the fam and getting drunk and finding a groomsmen to have my way with. I am the maid of honor after all.



Things I MIGHT be stressed out about:
~ the new internship
~ the guy from school that I am sharing an office with at my internship
~ getting hepatitis
~ My supervision class that turned out to be TONS more than I thought it was
~ My sisters wedding where I will be carrying around a notebook so I don't forget anything, since it is going to be an event that even Dave Sedaris couldn't see coming
~ Getting a ride to and from the airport this Thursday and Sunday
~ My addictions class that is going to force me to abstain from nicotine, alcohol, drugs, caffeine and sugar for 2 weeks in the middle of all the stress and no sleep I am going to be undergoing (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!) (ok so I only have a problem with 3 of these, but still CHRIST!)
~ My loan money being lost in action when I am now down to $20 in the bank and I somehow have to pay for gas and parking and give up my one ramen soup a day because I am even too poor for that
~ I am so tired I am about to go to bed at 10, adn I have a feeling this is how things will be from now on... Anyone want to start me on a speed addiction?

Things I am happy I am not stressed out about:
~ I don't have hepatitis
~ I don't have AIDS
~ I think there might be crumbs in the couch that might make a full meal
~ My birthday is coming up, although I think it falls in the 2 week sabbatical from all things that make me happy
~ The people at my internship think I am this amazing genius who can do anything simply because I can use Excel and I told told them that Word has a resume wizard and they think the fact that I use fun fonts on everything makes me Bill Gates.



Last night I laughed for 2 hours straight. It was the kinda laugh that you would get hit with in high school, in the middle of class when Dr. Wright asked if I wanted to slip Edith Hamilton the tongue, and you would try so hard to stop it to no avail. I wheezed, I snorted, I almost vomited. Deuce was laughing with me, which is dangerous since when ever I finally got myself composed he would start again. I really don't think either of us has laughed that hard in years. Then I thought maybe if I went to bed it would stop, but no I just laid there and kept lurker boy awake..... Anyway, apparently I am in such bad shape that my body can't handle 2 hours of continuous laughing. Today my stomach muscles hurt SO bad, as do my cheek muscles, and my shoulders and my gluteus maximus.
Tonight is free beer and Deuce and I always try to find some free promotional party with an open bar to go to after since you know we are poor and really dig free stuff..... last night at the grocery store, the rhythm hit us and we started singing the in store music to eachother, and then He walked away and we kept singing, and a guy walked up to me and told me that the two of us needed to show up at a location on the flyer he handed me. I looked down a dn it is a art opening in little five that is dealing only with sneaker art.... AND free drinks all night long!!!!!!

Who wants to hang out with us?



Tonight I was all getting down because I thought I was getting a glimpse into my future. You know the one where I get excited at 8:00 am because I get to go to work and then I have a great day, I move people, I cure people, and I do it all for the selfish reason that I simply want my own fuzzy feeling since I come home every night alone, and sit and watch TV with my trusty bottle of wine and ponder if I am truly a hag or just half way there, the whole time knowing deep down that I am a total hag, oh and i sold out and got a cat but it turned out that the only cat that liked me at the 3rd pound (since the first 2 told me i was an unfit mother) turned out to be a whore and I somehow ended up with 5 generations and 74 cats since the whore doesn't fall far from the genetics tree and I don't have a litter box for them but since no one ever comes by anymore it doesn't matter since I am used to the rancid smell.

BUT then i was laying in bed reading Catcher in the Rye Sylvia Plath when there was a knock at my door, and someone was driving by my house and knew I would be awake and wanted to come say hi becuase he has missed me and I got the best temple kiss in the world. I think the list has to be updated.... Forehead kisses=out, temple kisses=in.

It is safe to say that I have been saved from my future once again.


Apparently, "Staff Meeting" is code word for "get together and gossip about the homeless people". And I am sharing my office with another intern from GSU, but he doesn't start til Monday. My boss keeps walking by and asking why I have not decorate my office yet and made it mine. This probably routes from the fact that I got so excited with he said I was encouraged to decorate any way I wanted that I screamed "ROCK ON" and did a little dance, but anyway, I think tomorrow I will decorate in all pink and put my name all over the office and hang pictures of midgets. Then on Monday, this guy will show up and I will say that that is my family and then he will feel bad about asking me to take everything down.

Other news:

I AM SICK OF BEING POOR!!!!!!!!!!! Dear god, being poor really makes you hungry... I think I might qualify as anorexic at this point.


Can you get hepititis from a toilet seat?

Working with the homeless has turned out to be AWESOME..... Seriously, I think this might be the coolest job ever, except for the fact that I am worried about contracting an incurable disease. They are all in 12 step meetings so everytime I talk to someone the conversation ends with "I appreciate you". Who would not love hearing how great you are everyday?

Today I got all down because it was intake day. Yesterday i just met with people that had been in the center for a month or so and it was really cool, but today they were right off the street and it was a little depressing. One woman got a bit stressed out while filling out her paperwork and looked as if she was about to get up and leave. I found out that this was her 3rd time coming in, but this was the only time she ha passed the drug screen. I was sent to talk to her and after our chat she went back in and continued through it. As I was leaving at the end of the day she followed me to the door to make sure I would be there tomorrow. I told her I would and she told me that I was the first one in 30 years to "extend niceness" to her and that she stayed because she thinks I believe she can do it. Maybe I will take her a crack pipe as a present tomorrow, to show her I appreciate her too.

Anyway, I love my new job.


It has been a year and a day since I quit my job and now I am on my way to work. That means I made it more than a year without working... WOO HOO. A year ago today I was making my final move to Atlanta, and I was all sad. Today I have butterflies in my stomach and I think I might vomit. Kinda the same thing.

WISH ME LUCK..... Let's hope i don't screw up my first client.


but i wasn't home, so he watched himself on tv and took a piss nd then left. Yep, i came home and the Jesus channel was blaring and the toilet seat was up. STRANGE, since I didn't leave it that way when i left.


Dear any of the 40 people that were sitting outside on the patio at Fellini's last night,

I am so sorry that me and my friends disturbed you. Yes, our conversation got a little crude, and you probably were not concerned about who Drew wanted to "f*ck in the eye hole" or with how he "wanted to bang Martha Stewart in the *** in front of a mirror so she could see herself cry". Please understand that we had quite a bit of alcohol and this is what sometimes happens.

I do hope you accepted our gesture of good faith when Drew tried to jump on my back for a piggy back ride and toppled us both to the ground, causing a sound that could only be the bone fragments in my knee breaking off. Some of you gasped and waited for us to stand up so you could clap, some of you looked away and pretended not to see, and some of you looked at your friends and talked about what idiots we were, but I know deep down you were all quite entertained by the show. My knee however, is not so happy with me judging by the tennis ball size of my now black knee.

It was nice meeting you all, and I hope to bust my ass in front of all of you again someday.




So after the worst 6 weeks of my life, I was sure I had blown my 4.0. One class was a bit too hard to tackle for the duration of only 6 weeks with 2 more classes on top of it, but I checked my grades today and this is what I saw.




I have never been this excited in all my life.... I am going to make it trough graduate school with nothing but A's. That means I get to mega cum loud, or something like that.

This just goes to show you, that even female teachers respond well to flirting and occasional breast shots. If anyone wants to congratulate me on a job well done, feel free.


Last night after free beer, we went to 80's night at a club and I might have danced like no one was watching, or maybe like I knew they were watching and I was feeling up for humiliation, or maybe like I knew people were watching and I am the best dancer EVER! We had good times, and then when we all got home, my phone rang and some guy named Dave had a bad connection and wanted to call me later. Since I had no clue who he was I said "whatever". An hour later or so he called back and it turns out it was someone I saw in my old town like 2 years ago, and he called to say that he thinks about me all the time. Ok so the guy might be a loser, but it is still cool that he is smart enough to know that I am the bomb diggity.
Should this hurt my feelings:
Deuce: Sometimes I think that when we are in public talking, that maybe noone understands what we are talking about.
Me: Are you trying to say I make no sense?
Deuce: ok well yea, I mean I understand you, but do you ever notice the looks you get and how people get confused and walk off a lot.
Me: Well yea, but that is a defense mechanism



Melanie and I are sitting here making plans about tonight and we both realize that we are due some booty REALLY soon. So we are talking about how tonight at free beer we will find guys to bring home. I decide to call Melanie on her bluff:

Me: you know you would not just meet someone and bone him.
Mel: I know, I am Charlotte and you are Samantha
Me: I have never seen Sex in the City please explain.
Mel: Samantha cusses, when she can't sleep she goes out and finds a guy to bone and gets grumpy when she doesn't get it and will just ask for it, and Charlotte spends time to straighten her hair to look good, has never had sex out of a relationship, and thinks Samantha is a whore.
Me: Oh ok, well in that case I get the good looking guy out of whoever we meet tonight.
Mel: But I will find a guy for a long term relationship, so I can't give up the good looking one.
Me: No, the relationship might not work out and then a good looking guy is just wasted, so I am pretty sure it makes more sense for me to take him.

You all have until 5:30 eastern to decide who gets the good looking one.


Last night Melanie and I sat at a bar and watched a prostitute across the street try to get business. We were unaware how hard it was. Guys walked by her all the time and some stopped to talk to her but none wanted to pay her for sex, and it made me a little bit sad. Imagine if your only talent was giving booty and you couldn't even sell it. She really did have a sexy pose though. She would put both her arms up on the stop sign and lean backwards and her rotund belly would stick out. And she was right to the side of the Clairmont Lounge, if you have never heard of the place, you need to get out more, but it is a strip club that has less than attractive women and PBR in a can for $.75 (yet, still a funny as hell place to go). I would think the men would be running out of there looking for a hook up. I can't imagine why no one wanted to pay her.


A few weeks ago I came out to all my friends. I had been having dreams every night about having sex with chicks, so i figured that meant that I had to be lesbian. I am not good at keeping secrets from my friends so upon realizing this I told them all. I am not sure anyone believed me, since my sole basis was the dreams and the fact that I am female and I think I know I am so hot that I would want me if I was someone else. Anyway, I have been all down lately because, well, I have been forced to become celibant, but I keep forgetting that i might be a lesbian, and there is a whole group of people I am excluding when I am out hitting on different people. I need to try and remember next time I am out to see if my luck is any better.
My vacation is almost over and that means in 5 days I will be sitting with alcoholics and drug abusers for 50 minutes at a time and trying to act like I know what I am doing. Good thing I am covered for a million dollars of liability insurance. Then on August 26th I fly away to be with the family. If you have read this blog long enough you can understand that I might already be freaking out. The only difference this time is it is for my sisters wedding and my parents seem to dislike her as much as they do me, so I won't have to listen to how great she is the whole time. The wedding is going to be one for the record books since my parents are incredibly unsupportive of it and they really have a problem keeping their mouths shut in public when they have a problem. This means that in order for my sisters new family to not think the WHOLE family is crazy, I have to be normal AND try to contain any comments my mom might make. GOOD GOD, this stresses me out, my poor sister must be going crazy. I have a feeling I should take a film crew so none of the magic gets lost in memory.

In other news, who saw the midget trying to corral sheep on amazing race last night?


There are only 38 more shopping days til my birthday. Maybe my wish list will help you.


If you didn't:

-see two movies in the theaters in one day
- listen to a friend bone on the floor in your apartment while he thought you and the other 2 people were asleep
- Play in the park for most the day
- grill out steaks
- eat a kick ass sushi buffet
- get a flat tire on the nicest day of the year, and change it yourself on the side of I85 since no one in Atlanta wants to stop and help a fine girl out.
- while changing said flat tire, having Mexicans drive by and heckle you while you while changing the tire
- talk to Madmathias and have him tell you that the drunk message you left on his cell phone sounded too coherent to have been as drunk as I said I was
- Had THE BOY call to just say Hello, for the first time ever
- Stategically planned to steal the tires off another Jetta since I am too poor to buy a tire

Then I am sorry friend, you really are just not living life.


Last night:
~ Talked about neuroscience over free beer
~ I came came clean to the guy I have a big crush on at free beer and maybe told him he was my "Beer King"
~ Tried to race home after free beer to see Big Brother only detouring to Lurker Boy's house on the way the get something and decided that I would sing in my worst singing voice, at the top of my lungs any song on radio, whether I knew the words or not, for "his entertainment" while occasionally feeling the need to break it down like nobody's business
~ Forgot to pay attention the Big Brother because there was more free beer and a serious rematch game of Dominos because Lurker Boy is a really sore loser and wanted to rematch from the game I had won (I won again)
~ Melanie and I decided that just because lights were out and we were in or respective sleep places that in no way meant bed time and instead of going to sleep or letting Lurker Boy sleep that we would make fart noises (the kind where you put both hands up to mouth and blow), because maybe there are not enough people in the world that think we are stupid.
~ Deuce, Army Boy and Chode Boy left to go to strip clubs and left Chode Boy at one to come back and yell at Waffle House on the phone.
~ Finally went to sleep and woke up to Melanie whispering, "Dude, he totally just farted and then started spanking his monkey"

You all really should come over and hang out with us sometime.


Sometimes when I get bored I try to cross my eyes, only I can't cross my eyes and I end up getting a headache and looking like a dumb ass at the same time. that sucks.


Ok I broke down and answered the phone, but only because it was someone I like talking too. My friend Deuce has been spending the night quite a bit since we tend to drink a lot and he lives on the other side of Atlanta. He gets up early and leaves without waking me up inorder to start his work day, so it works out fine. He just called to inform me that last night I freaked him out. This is AWESOME. Apparently he woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't figure out how THE BOY had come in without him waking up. So he looked back at the conversation that was going on in the bed, only I was there alone. I was talking and answering things and having a complete conversation... Only I was totally alseep. I think it is great i can freak people out even in my sleep.

A few weeks ago I realized it might be time to expand the friend circle, since the circle has become more of a triangle, and I have recently met more people. Well for some reason today they all decided to call. My phone has rung 5 times in the last hour and anyone who knows me knows that it actually makes me convulse to not answer my phone when it rings, but for some reason, in the last hour when ever it rang i just stood up and danced with Fraggle Rock (that's right I have the coolest ring tone EVER), instead of answering it. As if that isn't weird enough, I have 4 voicemails right now and I have not checked any of them. Looks like maybe i am turning a new leaf.

Ok so Melanie and I have not hung out much these days, it doesn't seem we even really talk much these days. At first I was just too busy with school and then there was some kind of misunderstanding that I don't think we got over, or maybe I never got over, who knows. Anyway, I woke up this morning and I have an email that has the subject "Confession".

Dear Marci,
Ok, fine.
Not only are my workout clothes *****.
But they're also pink.
Love, Melanie

OH DEAR LORD! Melanie come back to the good side where we don't wear pink or ***** and we sit on the couch and eat ho ho's all day.


My modem got fried my lightening for the first time ever in my life. I would have been all upset, only it make the coolest pop noise, kinda like war broke out in my apartment, so I didn't get all that mad. But everything is fixed now.

On Sunday my pal Deuce decided we wanted to do something, instead of the normal sit inside and watch tv, so we went to Little Five and walked around and stopped off in occasional bars to grab a pitcher or two. We started our day at 3:00 and it turns out it was so hot we didn't really want to walk much once we got there so we ended up just drinking all day. We DID get up and change bars so I guess we walked a little bit. Anyway, i think we have signs on our foreheads that we can't see that says, "LOSERS WELCOME AT THIS TABLE" since 3 random as hell people sat down and hung out with us for about 4 hours. One was a republican, who felt I needed to hear all his views. I had been drinking all day so I kept saying "Deuce, why won't the republican leave me alone". Only the republican would try to answer but i would cut him off and say I was talking to my friend. Yea, good times. We ended up coming home at about 12. Yep that'ss right we drank longer than most people work in a day. As we were getting ready to sleep he was rambling on about something and says "shit what is the word I am looking for...... you know that thing that you are all screwed up on..." My reply: "Standards?". Turns out that was what he was looking for.


I am brain dead.

-I got lost driving to Lurker Boys house the other day even though I have been there tons of times, and it is only 15 minutes away with only 4 turns. I had to own it and call and admit I was lost because I was VERY lost, i order to get directions.

-I invited THE BOY over, AFTER i had been to free beer and another open bar party, and preceded to drunkenly tell him that "things are not ok and it is up to him to fix them". I am not even sure what that means, but I said it so i have to play it off like i meant it. He agreed to make things better. So maybe neither of us know what we are talking about but I guess good changes are a comin'.

- I have watched the deleted scene on butterfly effect 67 times. You all need to go get the movie and watch return from the Lenny Bin" scene, and tell me it is not the funniest thing you have ever seen in your life. (also can someone explain to me why none of the characters address the fact that Lenny doesn't stop farting?)