I AM BLIND, I SMELL BAD, AND MY APARTMENT JUST EXPLODED!

HOLY GOD, BATMAN! Why does this stuff only happen to me?

I am cooking a real meal in the oven, which is strange in its own way. But apparently, when you leave a bottle of 409 on the stove top and the oven gets hot, the stove top warms up and the pressure builds in the bottle and 409 seeps out the top nozzle and then it waits until the moment your face is right in front of it and the little spray do hickey thingy blows off in your face and expels the contents of the bottle in your face, including eyes and mouth. Jesus February, this is your last chance to get to steppin, before I call my boys at the calendar place, and have you buried forever.